You can get better at understanding people. But not the way you might think…
Popular tips and tricks for reading and analysing people can create distance and distrust. Try this five-step approach instead.
“So you’re a psychologist, right? You must be very good at reading people’s minds. Are you analysing me right now?”
I often hear this from people.
“I wish I was better at reading people.” I often hear this from managers. These managers are often confused by how their colleagues react to suggestions and ideas, by their apparent lack of motivation or resistance to change. They wish they were better mind-readers: it would surely make their lives easier. And so they look for practical techniques to analyse people.
And they don’t have to look far. The internet is full of ‘helpful’ guides. These teach you how to identify other people’s intentions, emotional states and thoughts by decoding some subtle gestures. Scratching their nose? They’re being dishonest. Arms crossed? They don’t accept your arguments …
How convenient it is to have such a ‘dictionary’ of body language!
Except it just doesn’t seem to work quite so easily in practice.
This might be a good approach if you are an FBI agent interrogating your suspect. But trying to analyse your colleagues like this on an average workday is unlikely to reveal a deeper understanding of their thoughts. Instead, it’s likely to create distance and distrust. After all, who likes their behaviour being dissected by their boss?
How can you understand your colleagues better?
Even psychologists can’t actually read others’ minds in the literal sense, but some leaders are really good at sensing what their team members are thinking. They are able to tune in to their colleagues’ emotional needs. They can sense if there is any tension, resentment or doubt. And, what’s more, they act quickly on anything they sense. But these leaders don’t achieve this by dry, scientific analysis of gestures and body movements.
So how do they actually do it, and what can you learn from them?
1. Create an atmosphere in which people are comfortable opening up. If people are willing to share their thoughts, doubts and difficulties with you, you won’t have to examine their body language patterns like a hawk and attempt to analyse them. Managers who are good at understanding their people create psychological safety. This encourages team members to open up and talk honestly.
Revisit the last time one of your colleagues made a mistake. How did you react? How could you behave differently next time to make the interaction more psychologically safe for them?
2. Show yourself – share your own dilemmas. If you want to ‘read’ your colleagues, let them read you first. You can’t hope for your colleagues to open up if you keep you always keep own dilemmas hidden. After all, who would like to expose their vulnerabilities to a Mr or Mrs Perfect? Leaders who read their team members well are also usually good at revealing their vulnerable sides to them. So, follow their example and show more of yourself. Be more open about your own mistakes, about your insecurities and your doubts. This way, you make it clear that it is okay to talk about difficulties. People will reciprocate by sharing more with you in return.
3. Combine factual listening with empathetic listening. Many start-up leaders spend their days in firefighting mode. Amid all the pressing problems, leaders have little emotional space for other people’s feelings and concerns. It is not that they these managers don’t care about how their colleagues feel. It’s just that they tend to forget to pay attention to it.
Managers who excel at reading others can listen to their team members on two different levels at the same time.
- They listen to the content, the facts that are presented to them – called factual listening – and this allows them to focus on solving the task at hand.
- They also practise empathetic listening, in other words, they listen so that they might understand the other person’s ‘inner word’. They listen out for feelings and motivations.
So if you would like to understand your colleagues better, start practising empathetic listening in your next personal meetings with them.
4. Tune in to body language signs but stop analysing. Be transparent and curious instead. Managers who read people well are good at observing the other person’s body language – this is essential for effective empathetic listening – but they stop short of analysing it. They don’t jump to conclusions as to what certain gestures might mean, as they can mean any number of things.
Instead of quietly evaluating body language patterns, these emotionally intelligent managers are curious and transparent about their observations. They might say: “You seem concerned. What’s up?” or “So what’s the big smile about?” Using this approach, your colleagues won’t feel like they are being covertly analysed and judged. Instead, they will appreciate that you are not only interested in the task at hand, but that you are also paying attention to them as human beings.
5. Improve your own self-awareness. Knowing yourself is the bedrock on which you can read other people. It is not possible to resonate with another person’s inner world if you are not in touch with your own.In human interactions, people naturally become emotionally synchronized.
For example, when you talk to an anxious colleague, a certain amount of their stress will automatically be transferred to you. If you are aware of your own personal feelings, you can control them and remain calm. You will be able to use your own experience of stress to understand this colleague better and offer them support. If, on the other hand, you don’t have such strong self-awareness, you are more likely to lose your cool and snap at them. Which version of a manager would you rather be?
As a first easy step towards increased self-awareness, I recommend practising mindfulness techniques. These can help you become more conscious of what happens inside you during any interaction. The more aware you are of your own inner world at any moment, the more you will be able to read other people’s minds.
Understanding people doesn’t come from scientific assessment of body language. Your IQ might be off the scale, but for mastering the skill of ‘reading people’ you have to use your EQ instead.
(This article has been inspired by Márk Dömötör.)
