Receiving feedback is just as important as giving it. How to do it like a pro.
“Eszter, last week’s leadership training that you facilitated didn’t go down very well. Some participants even felt that it was a waste of time. Can I share some feedback with you?” announced one of my clients.
Even after this first sentence, I felt my stomach twisting slightly – a familiar physical reaction to stress for me.
Perhaps you react differently when criticism comes your way. But I can virtually guarantee that you also feel some stress.
Receiving negative feedback is inherently stressful (even if it is delivered with respect and care) Neuroscience tells us that criticism triggers the natural fight-or-flight response in people. No wonder many of us become defensive in response to negative feedback.
The result? In reacting defensively we deprive ourselves of a valuable learning opportunity. What’s more, we can even damage our relationship with the feedback-giver. After all, who would be willing to offer feedback in the future if you were met with an unpleasantly frosty reaction first time around?
You are the leader – be an exemplary feedback-receiver
It takes a high level of both self-awareness and self-control to remain emotionally open when receiving negative feedback, because it requires you to overcome your natural fight-or-flight response.
But if you are the leader of a team, it is essential that you become not only a great feedback-giver, but also an exemplary feedback-receiver. If you are good at receiving negative feedback, you will:
- make it easy for your colleagues to tell you about problems they see or are experiencing, so you can see more clearly what is going on in the organisation,
- set an example and show your team how to receive feedback with good grace and learn from it,
- lay the foundations of a culture of feedback and learning.
Practical tips to receive feedback with good grace
- Ask for it. Get in the habit of regularly asking your colleagues what they want changing and improving. This will leave you in control and give you a chance to prepare.
- Be mindful. When you are faced with criticism, it is time for mindfulness. Acknowledge that “this is the moment I am going to get negative feedback, and it might be difficult to hear.” Notice how your body reacts. Do your shoulders get tense? Or maybe your stomach twists a little, like mine? What’s happening with your breathing? Being aware of your body’s response will allow you to switch off the autopilot and observe what happens to you emotionally.
- Be in charge of your emotions. This doesn’t mean that you should supress your emotions and not feel them. Quite the opposite, in fact. Acknowledging your emotions and consciously feeling them puts you fully in charge. When people become defensive during criticism, it is rarely a conscious decision. It usually happens because they experience strong negative emotions without even realising it. So notice your feelings, but don’t act on them straightaway.
- Listen. Listen with openness and curiosity. Are you able to listen attentively to the feedback-giver without already mentally formulating your response?
- Listening to feedback doesn’t mean agreeing with it. It is especially hard to pay attention to feedback when you feel it is not true, or when you find it unfair. Remind yourself that if you listen to criticism, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to agree with it. Remember, feedback is someone giving their own perspective. Remain curious. You can decide later how much of it you agree with.
- Don’t interrupt. If you listen with true openness and curiosity, you won’t be able to interrupt, as real listening makes it almost impossible to prepare a clever riposte. So if you catch yourself cutting across the feedback-giver, that means that you have stopped listening. In this case, I suggest that you go back to points 4 & 5.
- Breathe. Listening, remaining curious and not interrupting while receiving criticism is an emotional experience. Breathing slowly helps you to stay calm and focused.
- Take notes. There are two good reasons for doing this. Firstly, notetaking will allow you to remember what is being said, so that you can react to it later. This way you will feel less pressure to respond straightaway. Secondly, notetaking shows respect. It tells the other person that you find their feedback important.
- Ask clarifying questions. Once the feedback-giver has finished speaking, it’s time for you to give your response, isn’t it? Not so fast! Instead of explaining your side of the story, you can gain a deeper understanding by asking some clarifying questions. This will, of course, prolong the uncomfortable feeling of receiving criticism, but it is worth it. Remember, you will have plenty of time to give your perspective later in the conversation.
- Share what you find fair/relevant/thought-provoking. In almost all negative feedback there will be elements that you find inaccurate, unfair, or simply not relevant. There is a huge temptation to start pointing out these elements. But it is much classier to do it the other way round: first share what you find relevant or thought-provoking. Indicate to your partner which elements of their feedback struck a chord with you. Only then should you proceed to tell them where you disagree with them.
- Share what you don’t agree with. Receiving criticism with good grace certainly doesn’t mean that you should accept everything being thrown at you. Tell your partner which parts of their feedback you disagree with, but make sure you do this in a calm and factual manner. If it feels like you are losing your temper, go back to point 7: Breathe.
- You don’t have to react now. Come back later instead. Maybe the criticism caught you off-guard and you don’t know how to react. Maybe you don’t have the necessary information to give a competent answer. Or maybe you have become so frustrated by the feedback that momentarily you find it impossible to react without being defensive or – indeed – offensive. The good news is that you don’t have to react straight away! You always have the option of thanking your partner for their feedback and promise to come back to them later after processing it. This will give you time to collect yourself, prepare your clarifying questions and think over calmly what you have to say about their feedback.
Now take a quick look at these 12 points above.
Which ones of them do you regularly practise when receiving negative feedback? And which new ones will you now incorporate into your leadership toolkit?
