A conflict with your colleague is an opportunity to build trust. But only if you talk it through.
Last week I had a fight with my colleague. We disagreed over a relatively small issue, and the conflict grew out of proportion.
Following this unpleasant discussion I was furious. Even days after our argument I caught myself thinking about it, running our conversation over and over again in my head.
Has this ever happened to you too?
Of course it has!
We all have conflicts and disagreements, and we get upset by them. We tend to brood over them, regurgitating self-righteous thoughts such as “How unfair…” and “Well, if that’s his attitude, then I am going to…”
Being frustrated and brooding over our misunderstandings is perfectly natural. The question is what you decide to do next.
Do you:
- choose to ‘leave it at that’ and distance yourself emotionally from the other person?
- or take active steps to repair the relationship by talking things through with your colleague?
It is often tempting to choose the first strategy. After all, who in their right mind would like to go through the uncomfortable experience of engaging with the very person who upset them in the first place? It is so much easier to avoid further conflict and defuse your internal stress by creating emotional distance instead (“Well, who cares about him anyway? I will just try to avoid him in the future.”).
But remember: every time you choose the first strategy and avoid conflict, you miss an important opportunity to create trust.
As Esther Perel wisely put it:
“Relationships are dynamic. The characteristics of all relationships are harmony – disharmony – repair. Connection – disconnection – reconnection. It is in the reconnection, where the trust gets built. You have to have a rupture in order to build trust.”
Experiencing ‘rupture’ in a relationship at work is undoubtedly disconcerting. However, it also provides a unique opportunity to take that relationship to the next level and reach new levels of trust. But only if you proactively enter the ‘repair’ stage.
So don’t be afraid of disharmony. Embrace it.
Stop sulking. Take the leap and open a dialogue with your colleague, even if you don’t feel like it.
Remember, every time you initiate constructive conflict you take another step towards the establishment of an open and honest company culture.
